The Trials and Tribulations of The Neighborhood Queen

This weeks adventure: The Air Mattress of Doom. Reddy, you can feel me here, LOL. Man, this shit blows. Air mattresses ain't the business, don't let no one tell you different. Now you've all been briefed to my newest peril... the relatives crammed up in my house. Well Nisha and I have both been evicted from our respective domiciles and thrown into the living room as baby cuz and granny hold down our spots. So yeah, I feel like I just got my ass WHOOPED in the worst way. It feels like the Mighty Midgets of the Dance stomped it out on my back. My legs were numb this morning. Don't even know why my ankle hurts, but dammit, it does. We ain't even gonna get on my neck. And to top that shit off, I'm sick. I did way too much on Saturday, so I wanted to die yesterday, and the death wish is still lingering on this morning. I couldn't sleep because I was scared something (like a slug) was gonna crawl on me, despite the fact that I salted the whole damn floor and sprayed everything with raid. Granted, I ain't seen a spider, ant, slug, or anything in the living room since forever, but for all I knew they'd pick last night to come and reclaim the floor. With me on it. Fuck that, I wasn't sharing that air bed with no bugs. So I was fumigated out, crunching on salt, and still petrified. Hellish non-sleep ensued. First, it got too hot. Then it was too cold. Then Junior's alarm went off. Then the Westside Prayer Mafia called for the morning prayer meeting with my momma. Praise the Lord, but man. Let a sista sleep, will ya? Blah. Then my dad stepped on me trying to get his briefcase, which shoulda been in his damn room, but I'mma leave that alone. So I just gave the hell up after while. I'm sleep deprived, starving (but not too sure if I want to eat since I feel sick), and MAD about it. I think my panties say it best this morning: "I Hate Everything". Because I do. And I show it with my shirt and panties. Happy Bunny understands me, dammit. Don't talk to me. Because as of today, I hate you. I downloaded something on my phone but I'm not telling what because I don't want y'all to try and revolt against me. Then I'll have to massacre my kingdom with them fire bombs they were gonna use in Outbreak, and I don't want to do that. I don't take well to anarchy in this bitch. Oh yeah, I gotta tell about Saturday. Okay I got drunk. Mind you I weigh only 112 soaking wet with rocks in my pocket and some Nike Air Max on so getting drunk ain't no big feat, but I was Frunk as Duck (copyright Killa Cal). I went to a dinner party with UB and we were bored shitless. Now he knows I don't drink, but he was like, "I wont let nothing happen to you". When you're bored to shit, anything and everything sounds allowable. It was so bad I was sending TM's to random folks with my phone. So I let him get me a drink. It wasn't bad, I didn't feel nothing. So I got one more. Didn't feel nothing, just a little hot. By the third glass I was fucked. I don't even know what it was I was drinking but it tasted hella good. If it was nasty I probably wouldn't have even bothered. He quickly (and I do mean quickly) found out one of my instant side effects from drinking, and he was very, very happy about it. Thats all I'mma say about that. Fast forward to Sunday. I'm to' the fuck up. My head is killing me and I want to die. But at least I didn't throw up, that was my #1 and only concern. You coulda robbed me, stole my shoes and coat and left me in the cold ass air, but as long as I didn't throw up, it was all good. He asked me what did I remember. I remembered that I didn't throw up. I remembered not being able to walk up the stairs by myself so he carried me so I wouldn't fall the fuck out. And I remembered everything being funny. Thats it. Turns out there was some super heinous shit that I shoulda remembered, but didn't. Was reminded Sunday morning, kilt my mood for the rest of the damn day. And now, it's Monday. I'm still shook, in addition to being injured and hungry from last night. Not a good day so far. So there is the Imperial Kingdom Weekend Wrap-Up. And now, I work. I hereby mandate that everyone in a 20 mile radius of me Shut Up. Because I'm predicting a major attitude coming on, and I am powerless to stop the wrath at this point. You've been warned. That is all, govern yourselves accordingly.