The Weigh In

Well as you all could probably guess, I ate myself into a coma over the past 4 days. However, it was all for naught. I just came from the giant super-deluxe floor scale in the production, and well... I only gained eight-tenths of a pound. Yes, you read correctly. I weigh 115.8 pounds. Can you believe that crap??? I stuffed myself, took vitamins, stuffed some more, and slept a whole vacation away, and I only gained EIGHT-TENTHS of a damn pound. BOOOO. I feel shorted, violated, and full. Yeah, I ain't eating lunch today. I am so full I can barely move. I did super damage to all the leftovers. I have NO macaroni. There is NO stuffing. Maybe a drop of gravy is left. Sweet potato pie, gone. Pumpkin bread? Gone. A smidget of turkey and ham is left. I to' up the mashed potatoes and gravy. Cranberry sauce? Hah. Not in my fridge. The damn monkey bread, which I promised to my uncle? Yeah, I forgot and ate that too. But I can always make some more since I make it so damn well. I made Junior proud. And kinda mad when he found out that the bowl of macaroni I was eating was indeed the last in the house. Oh well... snooze you lose. I ain't got time to see if everyone else ate after the holiday. Its every nigga for themselves, and they don't stand a chance against Li'l Ol' Me. Now there's always the relatives that you don't wanna hear from or see. Luckily one set was successfully deflected by their own issues and didn't make it to my house. Only whiny cousin number one made it, and I made myself scarce. But my recently-widowed uncle came thru and we were glad to see him and my baby cousins. They kicked it a long time and no one fought. My uncle was in good spirits too, I was surprised and glad. I was hella worried about him, but he's doing okay. My mom and dad have that effect on people though. I had my deluge of stalkers this weekend, as was expected. Hopefully the BS will slow down now, but there's still Christmas *shudder*. I don't even wanna talk about them, I'll just get mad all over again. Now to the hell known as Work. I'm gonna be bored today because there's nothing to do. Which is good, I guess seeing as how I'm still suffering from Niggalepsy days after the trauma. But coming here reminds me that the damn Holiday Party has crept up on a bitch. Yep, that damn party is next weekend. And I'm not taking ex-Baby. So I think I'mma just go and hunt me down some random ass dude and be like, "Aiight, you're coming with me to the shit ass party for my job." Because I definitely dont want to go alone, and I'm not taking him anywhere. I can't (or wont) call any men I know, because when I knew and kicked it with most of them I was on some other stuff. Therefore, they are less than conducive to the life I'm trying to live post-LMU-stress syndrome, and must not be contacted under any circumstances lest I be tempted to get my freak on with them. So desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm going on a random date hunt. *shudder* Naw... I might have to roll solo. I don't know. By the way, did y'all hug an ugly person when I told you to last week? I got quite a few concerned responses. Reef, you're scanless homie (LMAO). Y'all know that ugmos need love too. So quit being stingy. Although I'll admit, I didn't eat lunch with spaghetti mafia. I couldn't bring myself to do that. I walked past the lunchroom and had to do a quick 180. There was no way I could pull that off and actually get my grub on. Nope. Well I gotta get to work. I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. Today's Mandate: First, get cha ass to work, you've only been off for 4 days, man. Quit being lazy! Hah! Oh yeah, I need a pillow for my beanbag thingie STAT. My lab coat ain't gonna do the trick today. I need to knock out in a real way. That is all. The Neighborhood Queen has mandated it, and it shall be so.