Blah blah, Monday, blah.

This weekend shoulda been better. I didn't make it to church thanks to an ugly wreck on the 10 fwy. So I am without sanctification on today (consider it a warning, suckas). In some not so violent events, I'm going to be tutored in Grown and Sexy 101: "Jazz for the previously uninterested". To serve as my Imperial Tutor, I am hereby drafting none other than Mr. Pimpin' Panama of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises himself. So there, sir. You've been placed on notice as of today, LOL. Get the crates in order and your lesson plans tight. Also, I watched The Rundown, featuring ultra sexy The Rock, and I saw someone I failed to notice last time. Lil' cuzz who played the king of the Brazilian rebels was super fine. Ol boy was the emperor of the insane gangsta arts of the Bah-nah-nah-weh, y'all. I'm slightly in love with his tiny ass. Especially when he came up outta that shirt??? And was doing the impossible-yet-ultra-fierce spin kick I was doin' in my dream that time???? OMG. I am sooooo in lust w/ lil' bah-nah-nah-weh dude. Lawd hammercy. Okay, next order of business for today. Now I know that I banished the city of Detroit (BOOOO) from the IK last week. Well, I feel the need to take it one further. I am hereby scheduling the entire state of Michigan for annihilation. I've got to take a stand here. Now usually I do my damndest to refrain from calling out actual names here. But this cannot be stopped. Putting You On Blast, the newest edict issued by Her Imperial Majesty. I hereby place Dav.in H. of Detroit, Michigan on blast. This man is an imbecile to the 20th power (although not to the degree of the SOB I wrote last week's letter to...). He is the author of the shit ass wake up call I received via Text Message on last Friday morning, and now he has proven his ass-ness once more. Peep game. My sister and I were on our way to the Bestway market over on Avalon and Del Amo, because I wanted to make my own macaroni this time rather than asking momma yet again. Plus we didn't make it to church so I felt I had to do something. Anyway, while I was driving, I receive yet another stupid text message: "so what's been up?". I'm like, "why in the hell is this ass sending me TM's when he could just call?" So I sent him a TM saying just that. So like five minutes pass, Nisha and I are in the grocery store choppin' it up with our crazy auntie. And this nigga calls. Here it goes: Da.vin: "Uhhh, what's up?" Me: "Nothin. What's up w/ you?" Da.vin: "Uhhh well I really don't call acquaintances (remember he's "afianced" y'all)" Me: "Okayyyyy... well how are the kids?" Da.vin: Uhhhh, They're fine. Uhhhh, I'm not gonna talk long I'm gonna watch the football game. *By this time I'm extremely annoyed* Me: Aiight, whatever, talk to you later, bye. Now here is why he is a bitch. First, he really does say "Uhhh" before every sentence. Next, okay, you don't call acquaintances. Well that is perfectly understandable if you call yourself marrying your ugly ass baby momma. I wouldn't want my man to do it either. Whatever, the Queen ain't hatin on holy matrimony. So it ain't okay to call. Cool. But it IS okay to harass via TM's? And then when you do call, you call with stank in your voice? A full blown bitch attitude? As if I am the one calling and TM'ing YOUR TRIFLIN ASS? Nigga, I lost your damn number ON PURPOSE. I don't mess w/ married or soon to be married men, you asshole! DUUUHHH! If I haven't talked to you in the Lord knows how long, then why are you messing with me???? STUPID. So the scenario I am envisioning here is that his ugmo ass grinch of a baby momma is somewhere in the vicinity, and he didn't want her to know he was on the phone with the infamous Cali ex-girlfriend so he's gonna play on his little cheap ass phone and force me to inflame my Carpal Tunnel syndrome to appease him. NOT SO, PEASANT. My damn hands hurt, you dick. Therefore, I am scheduling the entire state of Michigan for Imperial Execution at an undisclosed date (I have to check the schedule, I'm so busy being Sole Ruler and all). Unfortunately, this retard has already begun to breed. But this has to be stopped, and I'm starting with Michigan. We have to stop stupid children from happening. Because they grow up and be like Da.vin. So if the baby momma of Da.vin H. is reading this, yeah, your man is harassing me and has been doing it for days now. No I don't want him, I left him first and never looked back. Yeah, he is probably thinking about me while he's on top of you. And I'm sorry that I left such a severe taste in his mouth that he can't get over me. If there is anyone in Michigan who knows him, feel free to kick him in the nuts. Don't allow him to populate any more. Show no mercy (until I blow y'all off the map, of course). I wish I had a picture, I'd post that shit for a positive ID. Oh well. There. The mandate for today is find all the idiot, stalkalistic, wretched mongrels you can in your town, and kick them dead in the nuts. Hell yeah I'm advocating violence. Proliferation of the STUPIDLY INSANE must be stopped in all provinces of the IK. That is all. Govern yourselves accordingly. And I'm out.