Is it really that complicated?

Sometimes I feel like I'm outside of myself. Like my life is one big, boring Lifetime Television for Women movie. Don't get me wrong, I dig some of Lifetime's movies, but some of them shits bore me to psychosis and force me to turn the channel. Today is one of those days where I'm feenin' for the remote. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm relatively happy with my life and where I am right now, but I feel like something more is missing. The only problem is, I can't call it. I love my job (even though they've taken to working me to death). I love my car. I love my man (even though I'm seeing some rocky times ahead, but more on that later). I love my fam. I'm saving for my big home over the mountain range, and God's blessed me to be able to pay the infamous unceasing college loans. For the social life that I felt I was lacking, The Journey will take care of that in less than a month. So what the damn is the problem? I. Don't. Know. I feel really lackadaisical about everything. Maybe it's a side effect from the cough syrup, but I'm watching shit happen to me as if it were happening to someone else. It's hard to explain, and I'm starting to sound schizophrenic. Trust me, I'm not. But life is happening around me, and I can't seem to make it stop so I can get back in. Kinda like when I first started playing double dutch, and it would be my turn to jump in w/ the homies. But the ropes were turning, and I just couldn't see my opening to jump in. Maybe I should go ahead and go to Grad School. But I fuckin' hate school, with all that is within me. LMU did a job on me. I wish I had a whole other blog just to bitch about my undergrad life. The whole 5 years I did at LMU could be considered a crisis. During my sentence, I almost died twice (for real), developed a heart condition (complete with angina and high blood pressure), became hypoglycemic, developed severe social phobia (panic attacks, fainting spells, all that good shit that can be synonymous with CRAZY... and I have a "counselor" to verify that shit), and became endowed with a considerable amount of debt. No, make that an enormous amount of debt. So much debt, I'm gonna be in the hole for another 3 years at least. Then there's the fact that my graduating GPA was not the shit. More like it was shit. So if I try to take my ass to a school that actually focuses on my major, I'd have to jump through a zillion hoops just to get in on a probationary basis. And I'm not sure if I'm up for another round of "Burocratic-Kiss-Whitey's-Ass-Bullshit-A-Thon" to get myself slapped with another 2 year sentence (or 3 if I were to pursue my M.S. in Micro or Molecular Biology as opposed to Gen. Bio). I no longer feel it necessary to exist at the mercy of some over-educated bastard that wants to make an example of the only Black woman in the entire BUILDING (at any given time. Please believe me). Naw homie. Fuck that. So what am I supposed to do then? School was routine, it was dependable. It sucked major ass, but it had changes and twists. No two days were exactly identical. Something different sucked every day. Now, nothing sucks... and I think that's what is killing me. I was used to fighting. Now I have no reason to fight, thus leaving me with a huge empty spot where the cancer of LMU used to proliferate and grow at an exponential rate. I feel like I'm gonna be the only woman in my age bracket without a graduate degree... but I can't make myself do anything about it. The apathy is killing me. Oh well. I guess I'll keep existing until I figure something out. Now, as I alluded to previously, there is trouble on the homefront. Me and ol' boy aren't gonna last long. I know I predicted it out the gates, but you always hope you're wrong in situations like this. I'm not wrong, and it's a sad thing. His friends are giving him shit for being with me. They're jealous and he knows it. But he's gonna cave in, and I see it coming. They've been in his life much longer than I have. They've been the one thing constant in his life, whereas I was an intangible fantasy... the woman behind the glass case with the bright ass light shining on me. They saw me, but knew they weren't allowed to touch me. But now he has me, and they're not happy about it. It is sad, because I like being with him so much. But I'll be damned if I fight a bunch of niggas over their friend. He's a grown man, he can pick what is more important in his life. I don't think he really believes he's worthy to keep me, no matter how much I try to reassure him. That's what's gonna do this in. It breaks my heart, because his own feelings of insignificance will eventually sabotauge the relationship. His friends personify the insignificance, reminding him of the inherent differences of his lifestyle versus mine, his family versus mine, bringing up the shit he's done, and the shit he'll never be able to do (according to them. I know his potential). They're the embodiment of his deepest fears, eating away at his heart and eroding the relationship before it's even fully built. The fear that "he ain't shit". I know it's coming down. The threat is there, it's only a matter of time before it becomes reality. And then I'll be alone again. Like I said, could someone please pass the fuckin' remote? I'm sick to death of this show. Thanks.