Don't know how I stand it.

Today I actually want to be at work. My non-immediate family is having a major meltdown, and it is affecting my momma, which in turn affects the kids (us). Turns out my aunt is terminal and has been given 30 days max to live. This isn't the first diagnosis we've heard of this type (it seems doctors really don't know shit past penicillin and diabetes medicine), but that doesn't make it easier to deal with. What really scares me is my stoicism through this. I don't fall apart easily. I almost wish I did, then at least I wouldn't feel so out of place. My sister is all crying all over the place. My brother is too. We're not gonna get on Granny. Ooh lawd. I'mma leave Granny alone. But everyone is crumbling to pieces, and it seems like the depressing shroud of mourning has traveled from my aunt's home to loom ominously over mine. Even strong as a rock momma has broken down... that is her sister after all. It's hit everyone. That is, everyone but me. I can't cry. I feel sad, but I'm not falling apart. It makes me feel bad that I'm not in pieces like everyone else. I love my aunt dearly. But folks are looking at me funny style because my face has the same expression when they tell me the ever-increasingly-depressing updates on her rapidly declining condition. I'm catching sideways looks when I walk by now. Not from the immediate fam, they know what the deal is. The extended fam thinks I'm a cold ass heffa, which I'm not. I have never cried at a funeral, not even my grandaddy's, which I attended the day after being released from Killa King from the 12 gauge thing. My family was falling apart and I sat still like a statue. I don't know if its a blessing or a curse. All I know is, it's super depressing at my house right now, and I'm glad to be here, stressed out and overworked. I guess I'm more familiar with that state of mind. On another note, the news of Her Imperial Majesty's impending journey has spread through said chapter. From what I hear it was received with mixed emotions. The big homie told me she called folks like, "Guess who's back, heffas!" A lot of them were very happy and I got phone calls and emails up the wazoo. The other reactions were to be expected, and I ain't trippin. But I had more love there then I thought I did. It felt good to know that folks had my back even when I thought I was standing alone. I think I've made an okay decision. We shall see. Well time for lunch. I guess I'd better go eat something. And with that, I'm out.