Stand outside in the rain all night!

Good MF'in Mornin'!   Jaheim’s Backtight is the best song ever, I don’t care what anyone says. Any brotha that’s willing to stand out in the rain all night, roll up his sleeves and fight for me, and sound that damn good doing it can come see me right now. That is unless you’re already an infamous Stalkalistic Playa… you can see the exit. Anyway, since I heard my marvelous song by my unofficial baby-daddy, I’m having a beautifully sexy morning, and I hope you are too. Now onto random thangs that have no point, but I feel compelled to write about anyway. And you're compelled to read them, because you don't want to work right now. The HR lady at my new job came in here like, “We have so much fun stuff here! You came at the right time! There’s the picnic in September, and we all play soccer! Then there’s gonna be a Christmas Party at the Queen Mary! You have to come! It’s gonna be sooo fun!”   Problem 1: Lady, it’s July. Get a grip. Problem 2: Soccer? Lady, I don’t do anything that requires my hair to nap up or the Nikes to  get dirty. You got the wrong chick. Problem 3: In regards to this illustrious Christmas party: All the production people are Latino, all the lab staff is Chinese, all the office staff are of the Whitey persuasion. I’ve seen a few scattered brothas around, but not many. Plus they seem old and/or dirty. Always looking at me all nasty-like. NO BLACK WOMEN OTHER THAN MYSELF. So how does this translate to “fun” for yours truly? It. Does. Not. (edit: I realized some may take this problem to mean that I'm racist or I dislike other ethnic groups. Not so, peasant. I just find it near impossible to communicate with folks whose English is so stilted and to' up that I litterally cannot understand 2 words they're saying at any given time. That = boring to me. So if I offended you... YOUR BAD! LMAO.) Problem 4: The DJ. He’s the IT guy (extra- midgetfied Asian dude), and for some reason he wants to always talk to me about his DJ job on the side. Probably because I’m Black, so I’m supposed to care by default, I suppose. I have the horrendous feeling that his collection is lame, thus making the company party lamer than it already threatens to be. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to hear about it, because he’s really, uh, passionate about what he does. This party is gonna suck. And I have four months to contemplate on it’s suck-itude, because as the token Black woman, I’m damn near required to make an appearance. It’s in my contract. On another note, the Draws Bandit struck again. I’m putting out an APB on my blue Hello Kitty panties. If they don’t turn up by tomorrow, there’s gonna be an Extinction Level Event at my house. Believe that. I desperately need to re-evaluate my style. I’m attracting Lesbians at an exponential rate. I’m afraid, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Even the so-called “fems” (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean) are creeping up on me. This happened at SavOn yesterday. Ol' girl walked up on me talkin’ bout, “You’re pretty, you got that natural sista look. Your eyes are so pretty. My homegirl over there *pointing* spotted you from the candy aisle.” I’m like, “Thanks”. She keeps on talking, “so you know, you wanna kick it?” Me: “Wha? Her: “You know. I’m diggin you, li’l mama.” Me: “NAW! You and ol girl got me twisted. I don’t get down like that.” Her: “Well if you try it, you might like it.” Me: “Look I don’t wanna be rude, and you seem nice (BLAH) but I like dick. Point blank, no cut, no chaser.” Her: “Aiight then, Imma see you around.” MAN! I don’t want no compliments like that from you! And how you see my eyes anyway? We were at 2 different check stands! I didn’t see you! And I’m buying 3 bowl appetit’s! You’re buying candy! HOW DID YOU SEE ME? Get outta my face! So if anyone has any hints as to what the Queen is doing wrong, please tell me so I can STOP DOING THAT! Thank you. Well time for work people. Go and work like you’re working for Jesus. Unless you don’t like Jesus, then, hell. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. Anyways, get to work.The Queen has mandated it, and it shall be so.